In Step 1, we discussed how to recognize and confront our troubling thoughts in order to reduce anxiety. If you haven’t read it yet, start with Step 1. At Step 2, you might be saying, "But what about when my anxious feelings become so overwhelming that it seems inconceivable to sit back and analyze my thoughts?” I hear you! After all, the relationship between our thoughts, feelings and behaviors is not always linear.
In cognitive therapy, we emphasize that thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to behaviors. Yet, we all know this isn’t always the case. Our thoughts, behavior, mood, physiology and the situation can all have an impact on one another like shaking a bunch of ping pong balls in a box.
Since all of these factors are interrelated, it is not only important to recognize and confront unhelpful thoughts, but also to learn how to develop and boost your emotional tolerance for unpleasant feelings. Unpleasant feelings are an inevitable part of life for all of us. But for those who struggle with anxiety, these unpleasant feelings can be quite debilitating.
For example, let’s say you’re talking to a friend at a party and you notice that across the room your significant other is talking to an attractive person. Your mind starts spinning and you head down a mental rabbit hole – conjuring up a dozen catastrophic possibilities, such as your partner leaving you for this stranger.
Or, you’re in a job interview and you can’t remember the dates of a previous job. Your mind spins again, and you begin to think you have Early Onset Dementia, just like that guy on the movie you watched last night. Suddenly you can’t seem to follow the conversation because you are too busy inventing dramatic scenes of saying goodbye to loved ones on your death bed!
Insert any personal examples here. The possibilities are endless with an anxious mind, aren’t they? Listen - the bottom line is this: when your unpleasant feelings are so overwhelming that you can’t think clearly enough to count to three, you’re not going to be able to identify cognitive distortions in your automatic thoughts.
Action Time: how do we face these feelings head on and manage them?
First, you need to learn how to boost your emotional tolerance for these difficult feelings. This means picturing those prickly thoughts as a soft blanket, getting all cozy with a warm cup of vanilla chai, and snuggling up to them. Counterintuitive, I know, yet the more comfortable you get with these unpleasant feelings, the less you will dread them, the less likely you will avoid them, and the more likely you’ll accept them. This process essentially takes their power away.
The next time you are overpowered by your feelings, keep these little golden nuggets in mind:
- Emotional discomfort will not kill you
- Unpleasant feelings eventually go away
- You are not your feelings (thank goodness!)
The key to preventing our feelings from overpowering us is accepting the reality of our feelings. If you are tense, you are tense. That’s it! Know that all feelings are just a brief visitor. This is true for any feeling, whether it is experiencing a euphoric rush or enduring total despair. In just a few minutes or a few hours you are going to be feeling something different than you were before, no matter where you were on the emotional spectrum.
With that in mind, just allow yourself to really experience how you are feeling. Take a step back and note its presence. Observe it. Name it. Cozy up to it, then get unstuck from it. Think of it as a wave, coming and going. Try not to block or suppress the emotion. Similarly, don’t try and hold onto the emotion. Experience it and let it go.
It takes a lot of time and effort to build skills around boosting emotional tolerance. It can be helpful to have a skilled therapist walk you through this process. A good place to start is to practice in small, manageable ways. Start practicing acceptance in scenarios that are slightly upsetting to you. Building tolerance in these easier situations will allow you to progress into more challenging situations once you’ve developed some expertise and confidence around the task. In Step 3, we will talk about how the ability to tolerate unpleasant feelings can help you avoid engaging in safety behaviors! See you next week!