In step 2, we talked about how boosting our emotional tolerance can help reduce anxiety. If you haven’t read it yet, pop over to step 2 and check it out.
Now we are going to talk about how some of the things we do in order to improve our anxiety are actually making it worse.
Feeling anxious is never fun. So, naturally, what do we do when these feelings emerge? We do whatever we think is necessary to make the anxiety go away. In one way or another we avoid whatever it is that brings about the anxiety. We engage in what are known as 'safety behaviors.' Safety behaviors are things that we do to prevent whatever it is that we are fearing.
A few examples:
- Someone with social anxiety might have a particular fear that they will say something stupid in a conversation and others will think they are unintelligent. This person might use the safety behavior of remaining quiet in conversations so that they can avoid saying something “stupid” and, thus, prevent people from thinking they are unintelligent.
Refraining from speaking is the safety behavior!
- Someone with a specific phobia of flying in airplanes might spend the entire flight in suspended anticipation of a plane crash. Every few minutes if there is a noise or a little turbulence they might use the safety behavior of fervent prayer, requesting God to save them from the fiery nosedive into the ground that they believe is about to take place.
Praying is the safety behavior!
- A person with public speaking anxiety might specifically fear that students in his new class will doubt his expertise and mastery over the course topics. As a result, every week he spends an excessive number of hours perfecting his lectures in an effort to establish himself as knowledgeable and intelligent. He attempts to reduce his anxiety about how students will perceive him through being as “prepared” as possible.
Over preparing is the safety behavior!
- Someone with health anxiety may find new “concerning” symptoms every week. Each time she discovers a new symptom, she makes an appointment with a doctor for an evaluation. When the doctor tells her either that they cannot find evidence of the alleged symptom or tells her she is fine and the symptom is benign, she feels an immediate sense of relief. But then as the anxiety about that pesky symptom creeps back up again, she makes an appointment with yet another doctor.
Seeking consult from multiple doctors is the safety behavior!
Get the drift? There are many different types of safety behaviors that we use to relieve anxiety in a variety of ways.
The reason we perform these safety behaviors is because they often give us an amazing sense of relief in the moment. We want to avoid some feared catastrophe from happening. And we feel relieved because we believe our safety behaviors have helped us to avoid that feared catastrophe. However, the relief we experience is fleeting and the anxiety eventually comes back… with a vengeance. Overtime this process actually increases our anxiety.
So why do safety behaviors make our anxiety worse and not better? Simply put: we never get the opportunity to disconfirm our fears. Our safety behaviors help us to avoid the thing we fear the most even though these fears are almost always inaccurate.
- The person who is afraid of saying something stupid doesn’t get to experience saying something in a conversation that won’t appear stupid at all and may even appear intelligent.
- The person afraid of flying isn’t able to learn that their plane will not crash even when they don’t pray about it.
- The person afraid of public speaking doesn’t get to see that even if they don’t over prepare, they will can still give a good lecture.
- The person with health anxiety isn’t able to learn that receiving confirmation from a doctor that they are healthy never actually prevented them from getting sick. They would still have been healthy even without the visits to 5 different doctors.
The more that we engage in these safety behaviors, the more power we give to these feared situations because we never get to challenge them and disprove them.
With that said, it is now time to shift our thinking and use new ways to deal with anxiety. You are not helping yourself by using safety behaviors. It may feel like it in the moment when the anxiety temporarily goes away but it always comes back to get you. Ultimately, these behaviors are worsening your fears.
So then how do we gain control over situations that are causing anxiety? Allow yourself to experience the situations that cause anxiety without using your safety behaviors (helpful tip: to do this use your new emotional tolerance skills you learned in step 2):
- Force yourself to participate in the conversation
- Purposely underprepare for that speech
- Stop making doctor appointments
Then sit back and observe the results. You will likely find that the outcome wasn’t as bad as you thought it would have been. Turns out that your precious little safety behaviors weren’t actually saving you from anything. Kick them to the curb!
After reading step 3, my hope is that you now understand behaviors that can make your anxiety worse. In other words, I hope you understand what NOT to do when you feel anxious.
Next week, in step 4, we will teach you practical ways to stop using of safety behaviors and instead use new behaviors that can help you overcome your fears. See you soon!