In previous steps of the Reduce Anxiety Series, we discussed how to (1) challenge your unhelpful thoughts, (2) reduce your emotional tolerance and (3) stop engaging in behaviors that make your anxiety worse. My hope is that one of the key messages you take away from these discussions is that by avoiding your fears, you are actually making your anxiety worse.
Understandably, you might ask, “Well, if I shouldn’t avoid, then what do I do instead? The short answer is: do the exact opposite and engage what makes you anxious.
This week, we will talk about some exercises you can do to begin the process of first imagining you facing your fears, and then next week we’ll talk about engaging with them in real life.
You want to mentally and physically engage with the things in life that make you feel most afraid and do this using new behaviors that are helpful for you. By facing your fears, over time you will become less afraid of them and this will, ultimately, remove some of their power over you. This is what we call exposure. When people are exposed to their fears repeatedly overtime and are given the chance to observe outcomes that are quite different from the outcomes they have created in their head, these fears are no longer the proverbial ‘monster in the closet.’
Let’s use an example to help illustrate each phase – because examples make things a little clearer and more colorful, right?
Shayna is a writer and aspiring novelist. She is often anxious that people will criticize her work. This fear of criticism leads her to hide her work from others. Shayna has had a few articles and short stories published before and on several different occasions professors and colleagues have told her she is a talented writer. Although she generally believes this to be true, she is haunted by one nasty comment about a short story of hers that was published in an online magazine. She dreads that this will happen again and, as a result, she doesn’t show her work to anyone and rarely even submits work to publishers anymore.
As long as Shayna avoids showing her work, she may accomplish her goal of avoiding the anxiety and fear involved with putting herself out there, but she also prevents herself from being able to get over that anxiety and fear. In fact, this has actually increased her fears. Before she received the scathing review, she had some anxiety around people reading her work but she still submitted work to publishers and invited the public to read her stories. Now, even the idea of a publisher reading Shayna’s stories triggers her anxiety. This avoidant behavior has further reinforced her anxiety.
Now, onto phase 1, where we use our imaginations. If you’re an anxious person, you likely have a pretty vivid imagination. With all those “what-if” scenarios you create every single day, how could you not? Now it is time to use that imagination for something other than another dreaded catastrophe. Let’s get those creative juices flowing!
1. Imagine you are in the situation that brings about your anxiety. Start with the easiest, least threatening scenario in which you confront your fear.
Shayna would start by imagining herself sitting down at a table next to someone in the writing group she once belonged to. This person, her writing partner, is holding a printout of one of her stories and reading it.
2. Next, imagine that the very thing you are worried about happening in this anxiety-provoking situation actually does happen. For each feared thing that happens (e.g., a negative comment, a dirty look), you will counteract it with something positive and non-threatening.
Shayna might imagine that at one point while she is watching her writing partner read her story, her partner starts to frown and get a confused expression on her face and then says that a specific scene in the story doesn’t make sense to her. Shayna would allow herself to sit with this comment and to really feel her reaction to it. She allows herself to feel the embarrassment and sadness associated with her writing partner not getting a part of her story that she actually thought was quite compelling. Shayna would then balance this comment with noting something positive about her work. She might note that when she last proofread her story before bringing it to group, she felt a swelling sense of pride in what she had written. Or she might note that the story emphasizes a social justice issue that she is really passionate about and believes could contribute a lot to the common good.
3. Come up with at least 3 neutral explanations as to why the event may have happened. In Shayna’s situation, she would want to come up with three reasons why different people with many different literary preferences might not be able to connect with her story. For example, if Shayna’s story had a lot of satire in it and the person reading it doesn’t appreciate that type of humor, they might not laugh at it. Or if it is a story based on fantasy fiction targeting a young adult audience and the person reading it is much older and finds that type of writing silly, it is not likely they will have a strong connection to the storyline.
For instance, consider that even the work of famous artists has not always been appreciated. Claude Monet’s painting, “Impression, Sunrise” is one of the most famous paintings today and has been credited with giving rise to the name of the Impressionist movement. However, this painting was criticized by some as being formless, unfinished and lacking descriptive detail. The message here? You are not going to be able to please everyone, no matter how good what you do is or how hard you try. Even if what you did actually was perfect (an impossibility), there would still be people who have something negative to say. So, give yourself a break and let unrealistic expectations go.
4. Accept the validity of a pluralistic perspective. This means that the same situation can be seen in many different ways and many of these different viewpoints may have their own unique merit. In Shayna’s situation, she should accept that her story is going to appeal to some and not others. She should not expect universal applause. It is not possible. And not having acceptance from everyone doesn’t make her work any less wonderful.
Now you have seen an example of how someone can expose themselves to situations that evoke fear and anxiety through the simple use of their imagination. My hope is that after reading this you will feel empowered to test out this mental exercise with situations that often cause anxiety for you. Then, in my next post, I will challenge you to do to a real-life exercise with these same anxiety-provoking situations. See you next time!
