We’ve all heard that age old saying that the first step in making change is recognizing you have a problem. Well, in that same vein, the first step in learning how to regulate your emotions is to recognize your emotions and understand how they are impacting you. This takes practice.
While we can’t free ourselves from experiencing negative emotions, we can learn to cope with them and manage them. In this post, I will introduce you to a few key strategies for how to gain control of your emotions.
1. Increase your understanding of your emotions and what they do for you. All of our emotions serve a purpose. Pay attention to what your emotions are telling you about you, others and the situation. Recognize and acknowledge your emotions but don’t give them too much power or influence. Remember that emotions come and go. Think of them as a brief visitor. You want to welcome them but you don’t want to clean up their mess once they are gone.
2. Evaluate whether your emotional responses are effective for you. Our emotions can serve vital roles at many points in our lives (i.e., the joy we experience when our baby is born, fear when someone dangerous is following us). However, at other times they do not help us at all. We must determine whether our emotions are serving a productive purpose. This takes conscious effort.
Sometimes it will be obvious whether your emotions are effective or not, such as you feeling angry when you walk into a party and notice two guys beating up your little brother. Other times, though, it will be more nuanced and difficult to discern, such as you feeling extremely jealous because your girlfriend’s coworker, who she spends a lot of time with, just put his arm around her at a company party. Is your jealousy productive in this situation? Perhaps it is, perhaps it isn’t, depending on the circumstances. We would have to evaluate it further. Determining whether your emotional responses are effective or not is something you have to be mindful of on a regular basis. As with everything, the more you practice, the better your skills will be.
3. Change painful emotions and/or change situations that set off painful emotions. Identify your emotional triggers: are there situations, places or people that are dangerous for you, emotionally? Every time you are at that place or are around that person, do you find yourself struggling to manage your emotions? These triggers are important for us to be aware of. We can learn to adapt our circumstances. For instance, it might be best to spend less time with that person or at that place. Or if that is not feasible, you might just need to mentally prepare before you go or ask for assistance from someone we trust when we are going to be in that difficult situation.
4. Reduce emotional vulnerability and increase positive emotions. Positive psychology emphasizes the role that paying attention to positive events and engaging in positive activities has in improving our overall emotional experience and capacity.
Paying attention to positive events involves taking notice of the positive things in your life and being grateful for all that we have. This can help us to take a more positive outlook and assign more value to positive emotions.
Engaging in positive activities involves taking the time to “smell the flowers,” as they say. We are all busy. But research shows that leisure, hobbies and people connections are healthy and necessary. So… do something that relaxes you or makes you feel happy, excited, or another positive emotion. Try a new hobby, enjoy a delicious, unrushed meal, visit a local attraction, go for a walk, watch a movie, visit with friends or family, plan a picnic or give yourself a relaxing night in.
Reducing emotional vulnerability involves taking the time to take care of yourself physically. Extensive research shows that our bodies and minds are interconnected. When we aren’t taking care of one, it has a negative impact on the other. It is critical that you take good care of your physical health to improve mental health. Treat physical illness, eat healthy, avoid mood-altering drugs or excessive drinking, sleep well and exercise.
5. Let go of painful emotions through mindfulness. Start by observing your emotion. Note its presence and take a step back from it. Get unstuck from the emotion. Next, experience your emotion. Think of it as a wave, coming and going. Try not to block, suppress or push the emotion away. Also, on the other end of the spectrum, do not try and keep the emotion around, hold onto it or amplify it. Through all of this, keep in mind that you are not your emotion. Your emotions are not permanent but transitory. They come and go. Remember the times when you have felt different and think of the adage, “this too shall pass.” Both good and bad feelings change with time.
6. Manage extreme emotions so that you don’t make things worse. Reduce the intensity of the emotional experience. Also, increase your emotional tolerance. The more you are able to tolerate and persevere through painful or uncomfortable emotional experiences, the less power negative emotions will have over you. This takes practice. Lastly, once you have learned to tolerate difficult emotions, you will be better able to act effectively despite emotional arousal.
This is a very brief overview of ways to improve emotion regulation. Again, the successful use of these techniques takes time and practice. You cannot master these skills right away. Now, try and apply it to your life. Think of a recent situation in which you felt overwhelmed by your emotions. Perhaps during the event or situation you felt sadness or anger or stress. Imagine yourself applying some of these techniques during that situation. Mentally walk through each of these six techniques and imagine how they might have helped either improve your emotional experience or helped you cope better during that situation. After you try this mental exercise, I want you to apply these techniques in real-life. Think about an upcoming situation that could trigger difficult emotions and get to work!
